So it’s been a while, partly because it’s holidays and I’m just savouring every moment of it before I start YEAR 12! Argh! Can’t believe that it’s my final year of school, most people welcome the last year…but for me, I’m actually dreading it. I mean for 13- sorry 14-years this is the only thing I’ve done/accomplished in my life…my routine has always been get up, have breakfast, go to school, have dinner, sleep and repeat. My life up until this point, has revolved around this; what’s going to happen next? I guess that’s why I’m dreading the end of high school, not only does it signify the end of your ‘childhood’ but also you’re suddenly thrust into the unknown. Merely deciding what course to take in Uni is placing immense pressure on me as I feel like it’s what’s going to define me in society, and I don’t want to complete a 3-4year course only to find that the career is not right for me. There’s so many things I want to do that it’s hard to narrow down to one thing. On one hand I want to chose a course that I like and interested in and on the other I want to think more economically and choose a course that grants me easy access to a career. I’ve spoken to two of my elders- my great uncle and grandma- and my great uncle thought that it was important to choose a course that interested me; because this phase of my life is about learning and gaining knowledge, your career is something that you think about after you’ve completed this phase of your life.
I talked to my Grandma today and she believed that while it is important to choose something that you like; you have to also be realistic and think about where this knowledge will take you. Ultimately you get an education to learn, but what results from that learning is your contribution to society; the notion of ‘giving back’. I think my Uncles valus are more ‘go with the flow’ and short term based, where as my grandmas’s is more realistic and long term. But having assessed their thought patterns, I’m still left undecided…if anyone would like to lend me some of their wisdom, feel free!
Something that’s really bothered my since I was young, is the concept of death; what happens before, the biological side, the psychological side and of course what happens after.
I remember this one time when I was younger; I had thought about this for the first time…I kept thinking about what would happen after the inevitable. I thought about it for so long that I eventually made myself scared of dying- of course my mum comforted my by telling me how silly I was to think about these things…and that was that.
Since that day I have developed a fear of death; but recently I realised that it’s not the death that I fear, but what’s going to happen after. Fear of the unknown. I’m not one of those weirdos that constantly think about death and whatnot but I’ve had those nights- when it’s late and you just get lost in the haze of your thoughts. Those lonely thoughts mixed with the delirium of sleep; I lie awake unable to shake these thoughts. I think to myself about how much I love this world, the people that are in it, the people who I share this life with. I get emotional thinking of what will happen after I pass…will I forget this life? Will I be reborn into another being? Will I rejoice with God about this beautiful life he has given me? I don’t know. And that is what really scares me. I don’t want to live another life nor move on from this one. I wish desperately that I could be frozen in this period of my life; to have my parents, siblings and grandparents all under the same roof- laughing about the most pointless things, eating dinner together, living the life that we were graced with.
Recently I watched a documentary type video on YouTube about a guy who had had cancer for a number of years, the producers were able to capture his last couple of months. He said something that really changed my perspective on this; you can either chose to let it take over your life or ignore these fears and live as if you don’t know there’s an end.
Like I said; I fear the unknown. So ultimately I guess I just want closure..either someone discovers what happens or someone shares their real life experience. But, what is ‘real’? Who knows.