Midnight thoughts

Something that’s really bothered my since I was young, is the concept of death; what happens before, the biological side, the psychological side and of course what happens after.

I remember this one time when I was younger; I had thought about this for the first time…I kept thinking about what would happen after the inevitable. I thought about it for so long that I eventually made myself scared of dying- of course my mum comforted my by telling me how silly I was to think about these things…and that was that.

Since that day I have developed a fear of death; but recently I realised that it’s not the death that I fear, but what’s going to happen after. Fear of the unknown. I’m not one of those weirdos that constantly think about death and whatnot but I’ve had those nights- when it’s late and you just get lost in the haze of your thoughts. Those lonely thoughts mixed with the delirium of sleep; I lie awake unable to shake these thoughts. I think to myself about how much I love this world, the people that are in it, the people who I share this life with. I get emotional thinking of what will happen after I pass…will I forget this life? Will I be reborn into another being? Will I rejoice with God about this beautiful life he has given me? I don’t know. And that is what really scares me. I don’t want to live another life nor move on from this one. I wish desperately that I could be frozen in this period of my life; to have my parents, siblings and grandparents all under the same roof- laughing about the most pointless things, eating dinner together, living the life that we were graced with.

Recently I watched a documentary type video on YouTube about a guy who had had cancer for a number of years, the producers were able to capture his last couple of months. He said something that really changed my perspective on this; you can either chose to let it take over your life or ignore these fears and live as if you don’t know there’s an end.

Like I said; I fear the unknown. So ultimately I guess I just want closure..either someone discovers what happens or someone shares their real life experience. But, what is ‘real’? Who knows.


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