Dependence

They say not to depend your happiness on someone or something, but sometimes it necessary to do so. Why? Because to generate happiness requires an object or idea; you have to be happy about something. I guess you could be happy for the sake of it, but who are you trying to please? Ultimately, we are all in search for meaning- the meaning of life…what it means to be happy, what it means to succeed, what it means to mean something to someone. Whatever the desire, we are all inevitably searching for meaning of some kind. We depend on ourselves for perseverance, for strength and for happiness…we are depending on ourselves to depend on ourselves. It is just a continuous loop. Maybe instead we should seek to embrace those around us and allow ourselves to divide our dependence, so that we are not pressuring ourselves to create this mindset where we are constantly trying to please ourselves- trying to find a reason to be happy and trying to generate a feeling that is not fully attainable. What I mean is, we are capable of creating our own happiness; but when we do is this happiness true? Is it completely reflective of how you are truly feeling on the inside? There is no right answer. But in my opinion when I am with other people ad with my loved ones, the happiness that I feel is greatly exceeds that of the self-generated. This may not be true for all, however I truly believe that in order to be emotionally connected to yourself and the world around, there is a need to depend on others.

Having said that, your dependence on others should not be 100% because once (for example) the person who you depend on for a good laugh exits your life; you may be left to fill the void. If you only had depending on this person for 50% of your laughs, you only have to fill half a void versus if you depended 100%.

I am contradicting myself a bit..I think what I am trying to articulate in this mess is that do not be afraid of depending a portion of your happiness on other people because at the end of the day they will amplify this emotion. But on the other hand, maintain a proportion of happiness to be self generated because people are like the ocean; they come and go.

P.S I hope this post made sense

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Undecided

So it’s been a while, partly because it’s holidays and I’m just savouring every moment of it before I start YEAR 12! Argh! Can’t believe that it’s my final year of school, most people welcome the last year…but for me, I’m actually dreading it. I mean for 13- sorry 14-years this is the only thing I’ve done/accomplished in my life…my routine has always been get up, have breakfast, go to school, have dinner, sleep and repeat. My life up until this point, has revolved around this; what’s going to happen next? I guess that’s why I’m dreading the end of high school, not only does it signify the end of your ‘childhood’ but also you’re suddenly thrust into the unknown. Merely deciding what course to take in Uni is placing immense pressure on me as I feel like it’s what’s going to define me in society, and I don’t want to complete a 3-4year course only to find that the career is not right for me. There’s so many things I want to do that it’s hard to narrow down to one thing. On one hand I want to chose a course that I like and interested in and on the other I want to think more economically and choose a course that grants me easy access to a career. I’ve spoken to two of my elders- my great uncle and grandma- and my great uncle thought that it was important to choose a course that interested me; because this phase of my life is about learning and gaining knowledge, your career is something that you think about after you’ve completed this phase of your life.

I talked to my Grandma today and she believed that while it is important to choose something that you like; you have to also be realistic and think about where this knowledge will take you. Ultimately you get an education to learn, but what results from that learning is your contribution to society; the notion of ‘giving back’. I think my Uncles valus are more ‘go with the flow’ and short term based, where as my grandmas’s is more realistic and long term. But having assessed their thought patterns, I’m still left undecided…if anyone would like to lend me some of their wisdom, feel free!

Midnight thoughts

Something that’s really bothered my since I was young, is the concept of death; what happens before, the biological side, the psychological side and of course what happens after.

I remember this one time when I was younger; I had thought about this for the first time…I kept thinking about what would happen after the inevitable. I thought about it for so long that I eventually made myself scared of dying- of course my mum comforted my by telling me how silly I was to think about these things…and that was that.

Since that day I have developed a fear of death; but recently I realised that it’s not the death that I fear, but what’s going to happen after. Fear of the unknown. I’m not one of those weirdos that constantly think about death and whatnot but I’ve had those nights- when it’s late and you just get lost in the haze of your thoughts. Those lonely thoughts mixed with the delirium of sleep; I lie awake unable to shake these thoughts. I think to myself about how much I love this world, the people that are in it, the people who I share this life with. I get emotional thinking of what will happen after I pass…will I forget this life? Will I be reborn into another being? Will I rejoice with God about this beautiful life he has given me? I don’t know. And that is what really scares me. I don’t want to live another life nor move on from this one. I wish desperately that I could be frozen in this period of my life; to have my parents, siblings and grandparents all under the same roof- laughing about the most pointless things, eating dinner together, living the life that we were graced with.

Recently I watched a documentary type video on YouTube about a guy who had had cancer for a number of years, the producers were able to capture his last couple of months. He said something that really changed my perspective on this; you can either chose to let it take over your life or ignore these fears and live as if you don’t know there’s an end.

Like I said; I fear the unknown. So ultimately I guess I just want closure..either someone discovers what happens or someone shares their real life experience. But, what is ‘real’? Who knows.

The start of vegan-ism

So a few days ago I decided to ‘trial’ a vegan diet…1. because I wanted to lose weight and 2. because I wanted a challenge. So far I’m feeling less bloated, more energetic and ‘lighter’ in a sense; it’s been tough though…not going to lie I did cheat a couple times (unintentionally) but that’s what this is about I guess, overcoming obstacles.

Anyway, there is another reason for this post; I made a Vegan banana bread/loaf yesterday that I absolutely loved, so I though I’d share it with you guys!

INGREDIENTS

  • About 3 cups oatmeal (you can use gluten free if you wish)
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 3 very ripe bananas, mashed
  • 1 tablespoon olive or coconut oil
  • 1/3 cup brown sugar, plus 1 tablespoon (I used coconut sugar)
  • 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
  • 6 squares of 70% dark chocolate (or- of course- vegan chocolate chips) – optional but strongly encouraged
  • 3 tablespoons oatmeal
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Tried to make it look all pretty but I guess I’m still new to this whole blogging thing haha:P

Method

  1. Preheat oven to 175.C (or 350F) and line a 23x13cm loaf pan (or 9×5 inch)…to be honest I just used a random loaf pan I had:P
  2. Place your oats into a blender and blend for a 1-2minutes until it resembles flour; you may need to give it some help by stirring it to surface the oats that are still whole
  3. Measure our 2 cups of your oat flour into a bowl and add the other dry ingredients and whisk until everything is well incorporated
  4. Place the banana, vanilla extract, oil and sugar and beat until well combined and creamy; pour in your dry mix and fold until just combined…DO NOT OVERMIX then fold in the chocolate
  5. Pour into prepared loaf pan and sprinkle the 3 tablespoon of oats as well as the 1 tablespoon of sugar. Then bake for 30-40mins
  6. Loaf is done when a skewer inserted comes out clean. Cool for 10-15mins before removing from pan

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NOTES

  • If batter is too thick for your liking, you can add some almond milk, soy milk, coconut milk etc. to loosen it up
  • If cut into 10 slices…152 cal, 2.6g fat, 3.3g of protien and 29.6g of carbs

Credit to ambitiouskitchen.com for the amazing recipe!